


someone in between

by fluorescent_adolescent13



Category: The Prom - Sklar/Beguelin/Martin
Genre: College, F/F, but they are made for each other, homophobia because they can't cut a break, sorry this one might get a little rough, tw: depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:55:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22222153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fluorescent_adolescent13/pseuds/fluorescent_adolescent13
Summary: Emma recognised the spiral that her girlfriend was fast falling into. “Hey. Alyssa. Slow down.”“What am I doing wrong?”The look on the brunette’s face was enough to break Emma’s heart into a million pieces. “You’re not doing anything wrong.”Alyssa’s voice caught in her throat. Her words were shakier than before. “I thought that she was okay with it. I thought that she was okay with me.” Her mouth opened and shut again. She didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t often that they spoke about it.
Relationships: Alyssa Greene/Emma Nolan, Kaylee/Shelby (The Prom Musical)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 100





	1. Chapter 1

Emma nuzzled in closer to Alyssa’s neck, unwilling to draw herself away from the paradise that she’d woken up in a few minutes ago. She couldn’t bring herself to pull away from the warmth of the sleeping brunette’s embrace. Alyssa always had a habit of pulling Emma on top of her at some point during the night, her slim fingers nestling themselves into blonde hair and reaching for the familiar home at the nape of Emma’s neck. She wished that they could wake up that way every morning. Between early shifts and early lectures, and late nights in between, Emma found herself longing for these moments more and more. The blonde wasn’t entirely sure what time Alyssa had finally made it home from the library the night before - midterms looming on both of their horizons - but it was far later than Emma could manage keeping her eyes open, sleep nagging unapologetically at her senses.

Alyssa had always been a light sleeper. Especially when she was stressed. Muscle memory seemed to take over in the early hours, her consciousness just aware enough, and her hand found solace combing through her girlfriends bed head every few minutes. Emma would never complain. 

She pulled away slowly, untangling herself from the smaller girl’s limbs as gently as she could and slipped over to the other side of the bed - reaching over to the nearest nightstand and grabbing her glasses. As comfortable as she had been her body still ached for movement. The wooden floorboards were a welcome cool against the soles of Emma’s feet. A gentle reminder of how quickly the weather outside was turning. Emma’s head shot around at the sound of a creek echoing beneath her body but thankfully Alyssa was still as soundly asleep as she had been before. Mouth opened slightly and hair tousled perfectly, one arm tossed haphazardly on the pillow above her head. It was a sight that Emma would never get tired of. 

She took a few more careful steps towards the door and closed it behind her. The sun was barely up. Only a few streams of light were seeping through the windows of the apartment. November in New York was cold and dark, and only seemed to be getting worse as winter pushed on, but Emma loved it. Alyssa was like a little kid at this time of year too. It wasn’t that her mother had ever let her go without but Christmas before they had started dating was filled with a lot more choir singing and Jesus than anything else. Emma had to admit though, there wasn’t much cuter than her girlfriend wrapped up with a hot chocolate in hand, flurries of snow in her hair and cheeks rosy as the cold air bit at their skin.

Emma reached up and grabbed two cups from the cabinet above the stove. The cold called for tea. Or in Alyssa’s case, a steaming hot cup of coffee. The brunette would usually limit herself to a black coffee with whatever milk was in the fridge - not wanting to overindulge in sugar given the caffeine habit that she was already fuelling. Emma’s knew what her guilty pleasure was though. She didn’t feel guilty for encouraging the indulgence on a Saturday morning like this one. 

The blonde felt a pair of slim arms snake around her waist, a smile spreading across her lips at the touch. Alyssa nestled in Emma’s hair. The tip of her nose brushed against the back of Emma’s neck and she took a deep breath. 

“Come back to bed,” she murmured, voice still raspy from sleep.

Emma gave one of the mugs a purposeful tap on the rim. “I will.” She turned in the brunette’s arms until they were face to face. Alyssa gave her a dopey smile, her eyes unwilling to open any wider than they already were. Emma brought a hand to her cheek, brushing her thumb against the skin and pulling her girlfriend into a light kiss that soon turned a little more heated than intended.

Alyssa let out a low groan as they broke apart, chasing Emma’s lips as the blonde turned her cheek. Her furrowed brow disappeared a moment later as a steaming cup was placed underneath her nose. “God. I love you.”

Emma chuckled as she watched Alyssa take a long sip, reaching back to grab her own cup of tea. She wiped away the foamy moustache that the brunette emerged with. “I think you’ve mentioned that once or twice.” She left another kiss in the place of her thumb. “I missed you last night.”

“I missed you last night too,” Alyssa replied, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. “Sorry, time just seemed to get away from me. I figured that the more I got done, the lazier the morning we could have today.”

“It’s okay,” Emma said between sips. “I was exhausted after my shift anyway. I wouldn’t have been much fun.”

Alyssa hummed, hand drifting to play with the fabric of Emma’s t-shirt. “You’re always fun for me.” She squeezed Emma’s arm gently before turning away from the blonde, heading back in the direction that she had come from a few minutes earlier. She called back without turning her head. “Come back to bed!”

Emma didn’t hesitate. The brunette was slipping back underneath the covers as she stepped back into the room, her eyes closing for a second as her head made contact with the pillow again. Emma placed her mug carefully alongside Alyssa’s on the nightstand. A grin spread across her face as Alyssa’s arms reached out longingly in her direction, eyes still closed, grabbing at the air and waiting impatiently for the feeling of the mattress dipping beside her. The brunette sighed contently as her fingertips latched onto Emma’s t-shirt again, pulling her close until their bodies were flush. 

“I wish we could stay here all day,” Alyssa mumbled into the fabric. 

“Who says that we can’t?” Emma protested, pushing back a few strands of brown hair until she could see Alyssa’s face again. 

“I have a couple of things to do later.”

She pouted. “It’s Saturday, what could you possibly have to do? If I recall correctly you promised me a lazy day.”

The brunette chuckled. “I recall promising a lazy morning. I just have a couple of errands to run. I forgot to take some library books back yesterday too.”

“I’ll happily pay your late fees.”

Emma tilted Alyssa’s chin up until they were face to face, letting her forehead rest against the brunette’s and capturing her lips in a kiss. She let her hand wander for a moment, fingers slipping under Alyssa’s t-shirt until they were skating comfortably up and down her rib cage. They settled on the bare skin of her back - pulling her even closer than they had been before. Alyssa could feel the goosebumps rising as Emma’s fingertips danced lightly against her spine. 

“Stop trying,” Alyssa murmured, pulling back for a second before leaning in for another kiss. “To change the subject.”

Emma smirked slightly, replying in between peppered kisses that travelled across the brunette’s jaw. “I’m not trying to do anything.”

Alyssa countered, purely to tease the other woman. “I was going to go for a run.”

Emma groaned. “I can think of some better exercise.”

The corners of Alyssa’s mouth twitched upwards at the blonde’s remark. Emma’s lips continued on their endeavour, drawing out a moan from the brunette as her tongue swept over a sensitive spot. Alyssa tipped Emma’s head up, capturing the blonde’s bottom lip between her own and pulling her attention away from her neck. “That’s a real shame.”

Emma frowned, chasing Alyssa’s mouth as she pulled away. “Why?”

“I had a few ideas for the shower afterwards.”

There was a buzz. And another buzz. And another buzz.

Emma groaned, reaching across the mattress in blind search for the disruption. She wanted to shut it up as quickly as possible. “It’s yours.” Alyssa squinted as the blonde pushed the iPhone in front of her face. “Who is it and can you block their number immediately please?”

“Tempting. It’s my mom. Even more tempting.” Alyssa let out a long sigh. “Shit,” she mumbled, swinging her legs away from Emma until they were hanging off the side of the bed. “My phone was on _do not disturb_ last night. I have like a dozen missed calls.”

“I’m sure everything is-”

“Shit.” Alyssa held the phone to her ear, fingers wrapped around it like a vice. “Shi-Mom! Sorry, I didn’t see your calls I was at-”

Emma propped herself up onto both elbows, watching with eager eyes as the brunette bounced quickly out of the room. She came into view with every few strides, her legs carrying her back and forth at the other side of the door in a nervous pace. Emma could make out a little of the conversation that Alyssa was having with her mother. Her voice was rising steadily with each passing minute. There wasn’t a lot that she could make out but the change in tone was unmistakable.

“I thought...,” Alyssa trailed away, cut off by something at the other end of the line. “No, I know that you do. I know. Yes. Yes.” The brunette stopped dead in her tracks. Her last breath hitched in her throat. “What are you saying?” She was fighting a losing battle against her trembling lip. Emma knew that look. Alyssa’s jaw firmed as she waited for her next opportunity to cut in, her teeth gritting to stop any emotion that threatened to spill out across the phone. “I hope that they’re worth it. Fine.” Her face relaxed slightly. Sadness seeped through in the place of the anger that had been there before. Alyssa let out a long breath. “You too. Bye.”

She hung up. Her hand fell limply down by her side. Emma searched for her gaze as Alyssa took a few slow steps back into their bedroom. Her calves bumped against the wooden bed frame as she slumped down onto the edge of the mattress, reaching a hand up to comb through her messy curls.

“‘Lys?” Emma asked quietly, crawling across the sheets and pulling her girlfriend into her arms without a second thought. “What’s wrong? What happened?”

Alyssa let herself settle into Emma’s embrace for only a moment before wriggling away suddenly and rising back to her feet. She pulled a hair tie from her wrist and wrestled her bed head back. “It doesn’t matter. I don’t...” Alyssa wasn’t entirely sure where her sentence was going. It didn’t do much to disperse the tension that had grown thick in the air. “It’s fine. I’m being overdramatic. I think I’m going to go for that run after all.”

Emma protested immediately. There was a nagging thought at the back of her mind that told her not to give the brunette the space that she wanted. She pushed herself off of the bed and followed the brunette across the room. Alyssa pulled off the t-shirt that she’d been sleeping in, tossing it into the hamper and reaching into the top drawer of their dresser - pulling out a sports bra and another top to go over it. She raked around in the clothes for a moment longer, huffing as she moved onto the drawer below. There were plenty of shorts and jeans but her search fell shy of the sweatpants that she was looking for. A frown settled on Emma’s face as she watched Alyssa settle on a pair of Nike shorts. They fell just above her knees. Alyssa glanced up at her quickly as she pulled tightly on the two strings poking out of the fabric, tying them together in a quick not, as though challenging her to say something. Emma would never be the type of partner that told someone what they could and couldn’t wear, but in this weather she would be damned if she didn’t at least say something. “It’s like minus a hundred out there. You can’t wear those.”

Alyssa snapped back immediately but Emma could see the regret wash over her as soon as the words left her mouth. “I think I can dress myself.”

The blonde bit her tongue. “I didn’t mean...it’s just, it’s literally freezing outside. I don’t want you to get sick. At least put on a sweatshirt or something.”

Alyssa held her gaze for a moment. She was weighing up the pros and cons of standing her ground. Her expression softened considerably as she took the sweater that Emma was holding out for her. “You’re right. Sorry.”

“And gloves.”

“Okay.”

Emma pushed her luck again, motioning to the dresser. “You can take my hat if you want.”

Alyssa grit her teeth. “Emma.”

“Sorry.”

Emma sighed. “We can talk about this. Whatever it was, whatever she said. We can work it out.”

“ _We_ can’t do anything.”

“Alyssa-.”

The brunette’s head whipped around, her voice biting through the air between them. “No, Emma! Just leave it alone.” Alyssa shook her head. The same look of sadness crossed her eyes as had done when she was on the phone. “Please.”

Emma followed her as she made a beeline for the front door of the apartment. Alyssa didn’t say a word as she opened it, disappearing from sight without even glancing back.

* * *

Emma would be lying if she said she wasn't watching the clock like a hawk. Five minutes passed. Then fifteen minutes passed. She tried to distract herself by flicking through the channels of the TV, the early morning cartoons doing little to soothe her nerves. She had to do something with her hands that wasn’t just typing and deleting the same message to her girlfriend. It didn’t take long for Emma to remember that Alyssa’s phone was in the same spot she’d left in in earlier. She hadn’t taken anything with her at all.

Emma knew that Alyssa could take care of herself but she was having a hard time acknowledging the fact. She knew that she was being overdramatic. There had been a dozen times that Emma had gone for a walk to clear her head and barely told the brunette a thing - but Alyssa wasn’t an impulsive person. Emma just needed to know that she was okay. 

Her breath hitched at the sound of three sharp knocks at the front door. Shit. She hadn’t left the latch off. Emma mustered all the calm that she could, practically sprinting across their small apartment. Alyssa was in her arms before she could even let go of the handle

“I’m so sorry.”

“Hey,” Emma sighed, burrowing her head into damp curls. “You don’t have to be sorry for anything.”

Alyssa couldn’t stop herself from shaking. She wasn’t sure whether or not it was her emotions wrecking havoc with her, or if it was just the fact that she was soaked through. Either way tears had been streaming from her eyes from the moment she stepped out of the apartment. There was a part of the brunette that didn’t want to admit how right her girlfriend had been. She had only been a few blocks away when the first droplets of rain had begun to fall but she couldn’t go back. There was just too much on her mind. Alyssa thought she could work it all out of her system.

“I shouldn’t have...I just-”

“‘Lys, you’re freezing.” Emma’s tone was gentle. She shook her head at the sight of the smaller woman as she pulled away, reaching for the hem of Alyssa’s sweatshirt and pulling it over her head without hesitation. The t-shirt underneath stuck to the fabric, coming off with it. “Let’s get some dry clothes.”

She felt like a child, being moved around and fussed over. It was more than she deserved after being as hostile as she had been. Alyssa knew that Emma only wanted to help. She should have let her. 

“I need-,” she began, motioning down to her legs. “Can you help me?”

Emma hadn’t even noticed. “Holy shit.” Her knees were skinned and bloody, the red merging with long scrapes spanning the length of her right leg. “What-what happened? What did you-”

Alyssa cut her ramble short. “I wasn’t looking. It was my fault. A cyclist clipped me.” She shook her head as the blonde pulled her over to the couch, pushing her down to sit. “Asshole barely even stopped.”

“I guess the pavement won.”

The brunette snorted, wiping away some of the wetness on her face. There was a horrible feeling nestling in the pit of her stomach that refused to shift as Emma’s gaze travelled over her body. The heavy feeling of embarrassment overshadowed the pain. “The pavement won. It took first place and my dignity.”

The worry in Emma’s eyes refused to budge. “You really took a chunk out there. I’ll be back in a second.”

Alyssa nodded, kicking off her shoes as she watched the blonde disappear. “Okay.”

A few minutes later Emma returned. She kneeled on the floor in front of her without a second though, placing the supplies that she had brought with her down and untucking a hoodie from under her arm. Alyssa pulled it over her head, smiling appreciatively as the soft fabric covered her bare skin. “This is going to sting a little bit.”

Emma unzipped the small bag by her side, grabbing a handful of gauze pads. She dipped one carefully into a bowl of water that she’d brought from the kitchen and dabbed Alyssa’s knee tentatively, glancing up every few moments and shooting an apologetic look to match every grimace that she elicited from the brunette. 

“It’s okay,” Alyssa said quietly. She repeated the words with every touch. She figured that if she said it enough it would start to be true.

* * *

Emma waited for a few minutes after the water shut off. Alyssa was a hit or miss at times like this, and after how the morning had gone so far Emma wasn’t entirely sure how the rest of the day was going to play out. The hesitation was involuntary.

“Hey,” she said, her knuckles bouncing lightly off the wooden door. “I have some cream for your leg. It’ll make it feel a little better.”

Alyssa gave her a small smile. “Can you...?” Her sentence teetered off. Emma knew what she was asking though. Both pairs of eyes drifted down to the small tube in the blonde’s hand. Alyssa perched herself on the edge of the mattress, hands wringing themselves together. “I’m sorry...for all of this. I shouldn’t have left earlier. It’s not even that bad. I don’t know why I reacted the way I did.”

Emma crouched down in front of her. Her hands found Alyssa’s immediately, cupping them in her own and tracing careful lines across the skin with her thumbs. “Whatever it is, whenever you’re ready, we can talk about it. You don’t ever have to apologise to me about it though. I’ll say it a million times.”

“I do,” Alyssa sighed, pulling her hands away and unwrapping the towel from her head. “I just thought that things were finally good.”

“With your mom?” the blonde probed.

“I just thought...It’s been like four years. She’s known that I’m gay for four years. I just thought that she had come to terms with it. That she was past all of this.” Alyssa’s head dipped down. She avoided the eye contact that her girlfriend was offering. She’d been avoiding Emma’s gaze from the moment she’d stepped back into their home. Scared that if she stole a look, if she let herself melt into one look, it would all come crumbling down. She would crumble. Alyssa knew that she would. “She even wished us a happy Pride this year.”

Emma bit her bottom lip. She wasn’t sure what she could say. There wasn’t anything that would make it better in one sweeping go. “What did she say to you?”

Alyssa hesitated before opening her mouth to reply. “She’s reconnected with some family in Kentucky. She’s going to be spending the holidays there this year with her sister.”

Emma eyebrows furrowed, her confusion immediate. “Okay. That doesn’t sound so...bad?”

“It’s not,” Alyssa continued. “But they gave her a choice. She could go without me or not go at all. According to them, my life choices are sending me straight to hell and there’s no two ways about it.”

“Oh.”

“And she still said yes.”

Emma’s heart sank. It definitely wasn’t the first time that their relationship had been met with hostility and it certainly wouldn’t be the last, but it didn’t make it any easier when the situation came around. It wasn’t like either of them weren’t used to family rejecting them. There was a part of Emma that couldn’t help but think it was her fault. “Alyssa, I’m so sorry.”

The brunette’s head shot up immediately. “If I’m going to hell for being with you then at least I’ll know that it was worth it. You are my heaven.” Their eyes met. Alyssa’s were searching for an answer that they weren’t going to find. “What am I doing wrong?” She continued on, stuttering slightly over her own words as she came across them. “I need someone to tell me...I need you to tell me what I’m doing wrong because I have done _everything_ that she’s ever wanted. I was valedictorian. I got a scholarship. I got into Columbia. I don’t ask her for a thing.”

Emma recognise the spiral that her girlfriend was fast falling into. “Hey. Alyssa. Slow down.”

“What am I doing wrong?”

The look on the brunette’s face was enough to break Emma’s heart into a million pieces. She pushed herself up onto her knees until they were eye to eye, reaching for a hand and placing a kiss against her knuckle. “You’re not doing anything wrong.”

Alyssa’s voice caught in her throat. Her words were shakier than before. “I thought that she was okay with it. I thought that she was okay with me.” Her mouth opened and shut again. She didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t often that they spoke about it. 

Emma took a breath to steady herself, unscrewing the top of the tube and trying to focus on something other than the lump that was growing in her own throat. She squeezed some of the cream onto her fingers and pushed Alyssa’s towel to the side gently. “You wanna know what I think?”

Alyssa nodded rapidly, her nose scrunching as the blonde touched her knee. “Always.”

“It’s going to be okay. Your mom loves you, you know that she does. I don’t think she realises what this decision means to you. I just...,” Emma started. Alyssa followed her movements. The care that she was taking and how safe she felt - the tears in her eyes weren’t just because of her mother anymore. “Let's finish getting you patched up and into some comfy clothes. And then we can do nothing for the next couple of hours. Movie day. Sleep. Or we can talk some more if you’re up for it.”

The lump in Alyssa’s throat grew bigger. “Em-.”

“And then we can order some pizza,” she continued, ignoring the brunette’s interjection. “I know that it won’t fix things. We can try that tomorrow. Today we can pretend that the pain isn’t there for a little while.”

Alyssa sniffed. “Okay.” It was exactly what she wanted to hear. She didn’t want to think about it anymore. She didn’t want to talk about it anymore. She didn’t want to feel anything.

Emma gave her a small smile, trying to convey more with a look than she could manage with words. “Okay.” She reached into the pocket of her sweatpants. “I do have one more question for you though.”

“Yeah.”

A serious look came over her face that made Alyssa’s stomach sink. She waved two boxes nonchalantly. “Do you want a Star Wars bandaid or a Frozen bandaid?”

Alyssa snorted, her red-rimmed eyes brightening immediately. She leaned forward slightly and placed a light kiss against the blonde’s lips. “Star Wars. Obviously.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all of your support so far! Please leave a comment and let me know what you think/want to see. It's a real motivator!

The rest of their Saturday seemed to fly by in a haze. Familiarity allowed a comfortable silence to overtake most of it as they settled from the aftershocks of the morning’s events. Alyssa had become tight lipped about how she was feeling since she and Emma had spoken, refusing to talk any more about her mother or the phone call that they’d shared. She had no intention of changing that any time soon. There was a tiny voice in the back of her head that feared she’d made a mistake in admitting everything that she had. It wasn’t that she was uncomfortable telling Emma those things, Alyssa just wasn’t as used to hearing them said out loud. There was no taking things back once they had been spoken.

Emma didn’t want to push things. She knew that the brunette needed time to work through everything she was feeling and get her head around things. It was like she could see the cogs turning in Alyssa’s head, her eyes glazing over for a few minutes at a time and her concentration drifting away from whatever movie they’d moved onto. It didn’t matter how far away Alyssa went in those moments, Emma was always there waiting when she came back down to reality. She would wait as long as it took.

The brunette would be the first to admit that she was clingy. She would latch onto Emma at the best of times never mind on the days that she was feeling as vulnerable as she was now. They spent the majority of the day in each others company, barely separating at all. It was only when Emma complained of having a headache that they finally parted ways - if only to another room - as the brunette managed to convince her that it was okay to disappear into the bedroom and get some rest. But it left Alyssa to her own devices.

She tried to fill up her mind with some reading that she had to do for class. There was a couple of chapters that still needed pouring over and plenty of lecture content that she knew she hadn’t revised nearly enough yet. It was more than enough to occupy her thoughts. Despite that, Alyssa couldn’t help but be taken a little by surprise as the screen of her phone lit up and caught her eye.  _ 4:00am.  _ It only felt like an hour or two at most since she’d opened up her laptop. The brunette had given in immediately though, conceding defeat to sleep without much of a fight and crawling into bed. She draped an arm over Emma’s sleeping form and drifted off almost instantly.

But now Alyssa was wet. There was a layer of sweat covering her skin and the space between the sheets was nothing short of a furness, their legs sticking together uncomfortably. For a moment Alyssa’s stomach sank. Only one thought came to her mind.

She hated being sick.

The brunette ran a hand through her hair, raising herself up off of the mattress with the other and carefully untangling herself from her girlfriend’s sleeping form. She felt fine. Her throat wasn’t scratchy and she wasn’t nauseous. Other than the dull ache in her knee and the bruises that had bloomed all across her body after her altercation with a bike, there wasn’t a thing wrong with her.

Her head spun around as the bed shifted beneath her. All of her questions were answered. Emma’s hair was matted to her forehead. The fabric of her t-shirt had practically melted into her skin. Alyssa sighed. She placed the back of her hand gently against the blonde’s forehead, being careful not to disturb her as she did so. It didn’t make much of a difference though - Emma was out cold. Her temperature wasn’t as bad as she’d expected it to be. It might have just been a culmination of them both being in bed together. 

The brunette slipped away and padded into the bathroom without a second thought. Her reflection caught her by surprise. Dark circles had risen underneath her eyes and her hair was long overdue for a wash. The sun wasn’t up yet so it was likely that she hadn’t been asleep for long at all. It didn’t matter though. Emma was the one that was going to wake up and need her today, and that was all that she could worry about. Alyssa raked around in the cabinet below the sink for a moment before pulling out a small thermometer and a couple of other things that she thought might help.

She didn’t want to wake Emma up quite yet. The blonde would be grateful for as much rest as she could get, and Alyssa didn’t want to do anything to hinder that. She placed the items that she’d collected on the stand next to the bed for later - making a mental note to grab a fresh glass of water as soon as she heard movement.

* * *

It was a few hours or so later that voice called out to her from the bedroom, still raspy from sleep. “‘Lyssa-”

Alyssa winced as the light from outside attacked her eyes. She hadn’t meant to fall asleep again but as her eyes closed over they couldn’t help but take advantage of it for more than just the second that she’d promised herself. Her laptop was still resting on her stomach and the last page that she’d been on was still loaded onto the screen. Sleep could wait a little longer. She half closed the lid of the computer, sitting it down on the table, and stepped carefully over the sea of books that she’d already managed to spread across the floor. It wasn’t that she minded taking care of her girlfriend - she would do it for the rest of her life without a single complaint - but Alyssa figured that getting as much work done as she could while Emma was asleep would be the most productive choice.

The bed was empty when she made it to the door, covers thrown to the side. Alyssa’s eyebrows drew together in confusion.

The brunette winced as an unfortunate sound met her ears.  _ At least that answers your question.  _ She practically threw herself towards the bathroom, falling to her knees without hesitation and ignoring the pain that radiated through her leg. Emma heaved again, her body doubled over and head almost disappearing completely into the toilet bowl. Alyssa placed her palm flat against the blonde’s spine, moving it gently across her back while the other settled in her hair, holding it back from her face as best she could. The comforting circles seemed to help a little but the sniffling was unmistakable. After a few minutes Emma settled back onto her ankles and wiped away a few strings of saliva from her mouth with the back of her right hand.

“Sorry,” she said quietly, tears glistening in her eyes from the strain that her throat had just been through.

“Baby, it’s okay,” Alyssa cooed. She pulled Emma into her arms, letting the blonde nestle into her t-shirt. She inhaled deeply. The familiar scent of her girlfriend helped to ground her. It gave her a chance to stop and catch her breath again. Emma tensed suddenly, launching herself away from the brunette and back to her previous position. Alyssa sighed as their hands resumed their place. She hated seeing Emma like this. “It’s okay. I’ve got you.”

Emma reached up to flush the toilet before leaning back to lie down on the floor. She tilted her head to the side, letting her temple rest against the cool tile and let out a long breath. Her face was paler than Alyssa had ever seen it before. “This sucks.”

“I know it does,” Alyssa replied. She ran her fingers through the front of Emma’s hair, moving back the curls that were stuck to her forehead one by one. “Hopefully it’s just a bug.” She wiped away a tear that had escaped the blonde. “Is this why you went to bed last night? You should have said something.”

Emma shrugged, sniffling again. “I felt a little sick I guess but I thought it was just a migraine coming on.”

“You think you can make it back to bed now?”

Emma nodded, pushing herself back up to a sitting position - letting her back rest against the toilet bowl for a few moments before moving again. Her stomach was empty and her nausea seemed to have subsided for now, but she didn’t want to get up and she didn’t want Alyssa to stop her gentle combing. But the tiles had become increasingly uncomfortable with each passing second. All she wanted to do was curl up into a ball under the covers and sleep for a million years. Or at least a couple of more hours. Alyssa offered her two hands, pulling her up to her feet in one sweeping motion. The brunette wrapped an arm around Emma’s waist as she guided them both back to the bedroom.

Emma collapsed down onto the bed. She hadn’t realised how exhausted she was. Alyssa pulled the covers back over her girlfriend, making sure that she was as comfortable as possible before reaching over for the thermometer that she’d retrieved earlier. 

“I don’t need a thermometer,” Emma whined, stretching her legs out and easing the tightness that had grown in her muscles. She frowned suddenly as her eyes drifted over to the nightstand. Painkillers, Pedialyte, a thermometer. “When did you get all of that?”

Alyssa shrugged, perching herself on the side of the mattress. “I had a feeling that this would happen when I woke up this morning. You didn’t look to good. So I put them by the bed just in case.”

“Oh,” Emma replied, a small smile tugging at the corner of her lips. “I still don’t need a thermometer though.”

“I mean, if you don’t want to stick it under your tongue I’ve heard that there’s another place that you can put it,” Alyssa snorted. “I think I know which one I’d choose though.”

Emma let the smile spread across her lips. She was feeling a little better already, all things considered. It might just have been the fact that she had Alyssa looking after her that relaxed her slightly. She opened her mouth. “Fine.”

Alyssa nodded. The numbers staring back at her weren’t bad at all. With a little bit of luck it would just be a twenty-four hour thing. “I think you just might live.”

Emma grabbed at the brunette’s wrist as she turned to get up. “Can you lie with me for a little while?”

She laced her fingers through Emma’s. “Of course I will.” She leaned down and placed a kiss on the blonde’s forehead. “I’m just going to get you some water.”

By the time Alyssa returned to the room Emma’s eyes were closed, her breathing settled into a deep rhythm already.

* * *

Emma’s eyes darted towards the door as the click of the lock met her ears, her attention breaking away from the show that she’d been watching. It wasn’t like she’d been paying much attention to it anyway. She had slept through an episode or two and wasn’t entirely sure what was happening anymore. The emptiness of the apartment had taken her by surprise at first, an unfamiliar stillness in the air nagging at her senses as she emerged from the bedroom early on Monday morning. It didn’t take long for her to be engulfed by another wave of nausea that took up most of her focus. That was this morning though. Now, her stomach had settled and she was aching for Alyssa to come home.

“Where did you go?” Emma whined, her lip jutting out in protest as her eyes met Alyssa’s - barely giving her a chance to open the door and step into the apartment. “I woke up and you weren’t here.”

Alyssa stifled a giggle at the sight of her girlfriend on the couch. She looked a lot better than she had yesterday, the brunette just hoped that she was feeling that way too. The blankets from their bed had been trailed into the living room, engulfing Emma completely until only her head was poking out. Her hair was sticking out in every which way. “Sorry Em, I had a seminar this morning and then a project group meeting afterwards.”

The blonde’s expression softened. Her fuzzy mind hadn’t even considered it. “Oh. I kind of forgot that it was Monday today.”

Alyssa unravelled her scarf from around her neck, hanging it up along with her coat on a hook by the door. “I was hoping that I would make it home before you woke up again but I got a little caught up.” She kicked her shoes off and picked up the bags that she’d brought home with her, making her way straight into the kitchen. Alyssa called back. “I figured that you might be feeling a little better so I stopped for some groceries.” The brunette popped her head back into the room again. “And some chocolate chip cookies for later to say sorry for leaving you all by yourself.”

“And suddenly I’m a lot better.”

Alyssa’s laughter rang out across the apartment. “That’s what I thought.”

Emma reached for her laptop. She pulled up a page of sheet music that she’d been working on earlier, the notation software still loaded up on the screen for her to go back to. The project wasn’t even due for another few weeks but she’d been putting it off enough as it was. Emma knew that if she didn’t start it early, chipping away at the work a little bit at a time, then she would end up leaving it to the very last minute. It never ended well. Eventually, Alyssa returned with a bowl in each hand - plopping herself down onto the couch next to the blonde.

She handed a bowl over carefully. “Chicken and rice soup. Easy on your stomach.”

Emma pushed away the covers from around her. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“Have you eaten anything other than the crackers that I left out this morning?” Alyssa teased, the blonde’s answer evident from the look that was on her face. “Exactly. Somebody has to take care of you.”

Emma frowned, whining though a mouthful of soup. “Don’t be mean to me. I’m sick. I would have made myself something if I thought I wouldn’t throw it back up five minutes later.” She was just grateful that she could hold it down now. Her stomach had started to rumble. “Besides, you are categorically the worst for forgetting to eat when you’re busy so don’t come for me.”

Alyssa ignored her last remark. “I’m glad that you’ve gotten your appetite back.”

“I think I slept most of it off,” Emma shrugged. “I can’t afford to miss class tomorrow, so hopefully it stays this way.”

They at in comfortable silence for a few minutes, each shovelling in mouthful of food without hesitation. Alyssa hadn’t really realised it until Emma brought it up, but forgetting to eat was a bad habit of hers. She’d done that exact thing today. She wasn’t going to tell the blonde that though. This morning she had been too tired to make anything substantial, and between class and the project that she was working on - not to mention the amount of coffee she’d forced down - her mind had been otherwise occupied. It was only when she started to heat up their soup on the stove that her stomach had caught up with her.

With their bowls discarding in the sink, they settled back into their spots on the couch - edging closer to each other as they sought to find a more comfortable position. Alyssa let Emma choose something to watch. It didn’t take long until the brunette started to get sleepy. Emma could see Alyssa’s head nodding down to her chest every few minutes, desperately trying to avoid the fatigue that was nagging at her senses. She snuggled into Emma’s side eventually, letting her head rest on the blonde’s shoulder.

“Do you want to go to bed?” Emma whispered softly, bringing a hand up and sweeping her thumb across the brunette’s cheek. 

Alyssa shook her head. Her eyelids were heavy. “Mmmh. Comfy.”

Emma smirked slightly at the sound of her girlfriend’s tired response. She pulled up the blankets, opening them up and letting Alyssa fall into her embrace. Emma wiggled her hips down the couch until they were both lying down, legs tangled together, and draped the covers back over them both. The blonde let her hand drift up and down Alyssa’s body, her palm smoothing over the fabric of her leggings before settling against her stomach. Alyssa let out a contented sigh, her eyes finally drifting shut. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave a comment below and let me know what you think!

“I’m just saying,” Emma shrugged. She scraped some oatmeal out of the pot into two bowls in front of her. She chose her next words carefully. “You need to start taking better care of yourself. You’re going to reach finals and wind up burning out.”

She grabbed a banana from the countertop and turned towards the brunette, taking a few steps in the table’s direction with the bowls balanced in her hands. She pushed one of them across to Alyssa, placing the fruit down next to it - though she ignored both of the items and continued scanning the open pages of her book. Emma let out a long sigh. 

“Alyssa?”

Her concentration broke, eyes snapping up to her girlfriend. They flickered from the blonde to the bowl, and back up again. “Sorry. Thank you.”

“Exactly my point.”

Alyssa frowned, taking a moment longer to catch on. She flipped her book over immediately and grabbed the spoon that Emma had left out for her, nudging around some of the oats in the bowl to keep her girlfriend content. There was always a nervous ball that settled itself in the pit of her stomach at this time of year, emerging and obliterating her appetite in the morning. And the rest of the day. She couldn’t eat when she was worried, and her anxiety had only been growing over the past few days. Alyssa knew that if she didn’t at least try to get the oatmeal down then Emma would only protest, and it wasn’t worth worrying the blonde for no reason. Besides, she’d taken the time to make them both breakfast and she didn’t want to be a jerk.

“Sorry. I read this chapter yesterday before my class but it felt like nothing sunk in,” Alyssa sighed. It was true. Nothing was sinking in. It felt like there wasn’t enough time in the world for her to learn everything she had in front of her. The class had been fine, but as they’d moved onto discussing the assigned reading Alyssa felt like she’d been thrown into the deep end of the swimming pool with nothing but concrete shoes on. There was always that permanent thought niggling in the back of her mind that compared herself to every other student in her class. She just had to work harder.

Emma took another mouthful of oatmeal. “You know this stuff like the back of your hand.”

Alyssa shrugged, taking a small bite. It wasn’t worth disagreeing with her. “Yeah. I guess.”

“No banana?” Emma asked suddenly. She motioned to the fruit.

“I’ll take it with me. Have it for lunch.”

“With  lunch. You need more than a banana.”

“Right,” Alyssa nodded. She changed the subject quickly. “I’m glad your feeling better. The colour is definitely back in your cheeks.” She let out a small laugh. “I thought you were pale compared to me before.”

The blonde snorted. “Shut up. You sound like my Gran.”

Alyssa took a final spoonful from her bowl, scraping the remnants from the bottom together and shovelling it into her mouth. She reached a hand out for Emma’s already empty bowl before standing up sharply and heading towards the sink to rinse them clean. The blonde was quick on her heels, leaning against the door frame and watching carefully as her girlfriend dried her hands.

“I have to get-”

“Going,” Emma finishes her sentence for her. It was better than a 9am start at least. “Full day?”

The brunette nodded, taking her bag and book out of Emma’s hands and reaching for her coat as they both made their way towards the door. “Molecular bio lab and then a cellular immunology lecture.”

“Riveting.”

Alyssa snorted. She tugged on Emma’s t-shirt, pulling her down a few inches to press a quick kiss against her lips. “Very.”

“Oh,” Emma called out. Alyssa turned just before she could pull the front door of the apartment closed. “Remember we’re meeting Kaylee and Shelby tonight. I’ll be home at like four.”

Alyssa snorted, waving a hand haphazardly in the blonde’s direction. “Double date night. I wouldn’t miss it.”

* * *

Technically, Alyssa didn’t miss it. She just wasn’t nearly as early as she had intended on being. She braced herself before reaching for the handle of the apartment. It only felt like an hour or so that she’d practically ran out of it to class. Time had ran just as swiftly away from her.

“Sorry, I’m late I know,” Alyssa grimaced, bundling into the room. “I just lost track of-”

Emma didn’t look up from the manuscript paper in front of her. She was trying not to be mad. It wasn’t like the brunette had done it on purpose, she knew that, but she still wished that her girlfriend would be a little more considerate sometimes. Alyssa hadn’t even sent her a text to let her know she was behind schedule. 

“It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not. I-”

“Honestly,” Emma cut her off sharply, stopping Alyssa’s excuse before it could leave her tongue. She took her guitar off of her lap and placed it in its stand in the corner of the room. She was already dressed, and had been for the last twenty minutes or so - patiently waiting for Alyssa to whirl through the door in a barrel of apologies. It wasn’t like she was far off. “It’s fine.”

“Okay,” Alyssa nodded sheepishly, peeling off her jacket and making her way into the bedroom without looking at Emma again. They still had enough time. She wouldn’t have left the blonde hanging. 

Alyssa pulled open the door of the wardrobe and grabbed a dress to the far left of the rack. She was just glad that she’d decided what to wear last night instead of having to rake around in a blond panic. Emma slipped into the room as she started to get changed, sitting on the end of the bed. Silence filled the space. Alyssa wanted to break it in two. Snap it like a twig underneath her feet.

“Can you zip me up?” Alyssa asked quietly. She turned her head over her shoulder, meeting Emma’s gaze across the room for the first time since she’d come home.

“Yeah,” Emma replied immediately. “Of course.”

She took a few short steps over to where the brunette was standing. Alyssa’s hands stilled as Emma’s own reached the small of her back - the necklace clasp that she had been fumbling with losing all of her attention as her girlfriend’s hand brushed along the length of her spine. She couldn’t help but shiver under Emma’s touch. Goosebumps betrayed her, rising without hesitation across the surface of the skin. Alyssa wondered whether or not Emma did it on purpose. 

She reached behind her, handing the chain to the blonde. “Can you...?”

Emma hummed in response, taking the jewellery carefully from her with one hand while the other lingered at the nape of the brunette’s neck. She pushed Alyssa’s curls to the side, fastening the clasp a moment of so later, placing a light kiss against the newly exposed skin of her neck. “Sorry for snapping.”

Alyssa’s eyes fluttered closed. She leaned back slightly into the blonde’s space, a small smile playing on her lips. She turned on the spot, slinging her arms around Emma’s neck and meeting her lips in the middle. 

“Sorry for being late. I should have at least called,” she replied. “You look amazing.”

She did. Black button down shirt. Skin tight jeans. Alyssa could already feel her stomach flutter at the thought of her wearing the leather jacket that was laid out on the bed. Emma rested her forehead against Alyssa’s.

“So do you,” she smiled, leaning in again. “I love that dress on you. We should get going though - since you’ve made us incredibly late.”

Alyssa feigned annoyance, nudging Emma’s shoulder gently with her first. “I have not.”

Emma chuckled, pulling away from her and heading towards the door of the bedroom. “C’mon. You don’t want to be late again!”

A cab ride to the bar was the quickest open given their reluctance to get on the subway. The weather was turning more bitter with each passing day, making travelling on the subway - or at least the prospect of having to walk to and from the station - a lot less appealing than in usually was. Or maybe it just was Alyssa’s refusal to cover up her legs despite the chill in the air. 

Kaylee and Shelby were already there by the time that they arrived, settled deep in the back of the bar - cosy together in a both. Alyssa couldn’t help but smile at the sight of the two of them together. It had been a long relationship in the making. It required a lot of work on their part, and a road to self acceptance that neither thought they would walk down. And maybe a healthy dose of Alyssa and Emma’s meddling. But now they looked happier together than they ever had been apart.

“Finally,” Shelby called out as they made their way over, lacking any of her usual subtlety. “We were just beginning to think that you’d gotten lost.” 

“My favourite gay disasters are actually early for once,” Emma said, grinning as she slid into the booth across from the pair. Alyssa followed closely, shrugging off her jacket. “I don’t know about you guys but I am starving.”

Alyssa reached for Emma’s hand under the table, interlocking their fingers and pulling them over until they were resting on top of her thigh. She glanced over at the menu the blonde was flicking through - not too concerned with having a more thorough look. It wasn't exactly extensive anyway. Quick and easy bar food. They type of food that Alyssa would drool over on any other day that wasn’t today, ordering without the slightest hint of hesitation. But all she could think about was the grease. And the fat. And how much her mother would nag at her about how unhealthy her diet was if she were here. And how she was letting herself go. 

The rumbling in her stomach set her mind straight though. She was far too hungry to start worrying about the calories.

* * *

“So, what are you guys doing for Christmas this year?” Shelby asked, popping another fry into her mouth. 

Kaylee cut in. “If you say anything but spending it at home then I will riot. I already have a million double date ideas.”

Emma snorted. “If you think you’re getting me in a pair of ice skates, Klein, you have another thing coming.”

“We’ll see.”

Alyssa cleared her throat, nudging her empty plate a few inches away from her. She settled elbow on the table and rested her chin on the palm of her hand. She’d really been hoping that the topic wouldn’t come up in conversation but she knew that it was unavoidable. They would be asked about it at some point. 

Emma glanced at the brunette. She could see the tension building in her girlfriend already, an uncomfortable knot settling between her shoulder blades. It wasn’t a secret between them that Christmas was a sore spot. Their conversation over breakfast that morning had been playing on Emma’s mind all day. 

“We haven’t really decided what we’re doing yet.”

Alyssa nodded at the blonde’s response, humming slightly in agreement. 

Shelby continued on, oblivious. “My mom’s already talking about putting the tree up and it isn’t even Thanksgiving yet. Honestly I-”

“I think,” Alyssa said suddenly, shooting them all a tight smile before sliding out of the booth. “I’m going to grab another drink. Anyone want anything?”

“We’re good.” 

Emma’s eyes followed her closely as she spun on her heels, walking away from the group. She knew that the brunette’s reactions were going to elicit an onslaught of questions from the couple across from her. Nothing ever got by them. Not in high school, certainly not now. The last thing that Emma wanted to do was turn back to Kaylee and Shelby now. Eventually though, her gaze shifted away from Alyssa and down to the napkin that she’d began to pick apart on the table. Emma hadn’t even realised that she’d been doing it.

“Is everything okay with you guys?” Shelby pried, her eyebrows furrowing tightly together as she leaned towards the blonde. 

Emma nodded immediately. Maybe a fraction of a second too soon for it to be wholly convincing. “Yeah, totally.”

“You’re a terrible liar, Nolan,” Kaylee huffed. 

“Really. It’s nothing,” Emma continued as she met their eyes, trying to brush off the doubt that was laced throughout her tone. She took a long swig from her bottle to buy herself a few more seconds. “It’s just kind of been a crazy week. Alyssa’s pretty stressed out. I mean, we’re both pretty stressed out with finals coming up.”

“Is that all?”

“Honestly,” Emma replied. “Don’t worry about it.” 

“Then what’s the deal with Christm-”

“I think you might be right there,” Shelby said hastily, cutting off the rest of Kaylee’s sentence as she attempted to protest Emma’s response again. She motioned over to Alyssa’s direction. “I think we should be worrying about something else.”

Emma bit sharply into her lip as her gaze returned to the bar. It wasn’t unusual for people to hit on Alyssa when they were out together - it wasn’t like she could really blame them for doing it. It didn’t usually bother her. At least not anymore. They both made it very clear to each other that they were all that they needed and more. They knew who they were going home with each night, and that thought alone was usually enough to wipe all of Emma’s jealousy clean out of her system. And that was before the brunette’s more private methods of reassurance. It didn’t mean that Emma didn’t get a pang in her chest at the sight of people shooting their shot with her girlfriend. She couldn’t help it.

Emma bolted to her feet at the first hint of Alyssa’s demeanour changing. She could always tell when things were going a little too far and the brunette was more uncomfortable than she could handle. Alyssa could always hold her own in these situations - smiling politely and doing all but encourage the flirting that she fell victim too - but Emma knew something was different. There wasn’t a chance in hell that she was just going to hang back and let it all unfold in front of her without doing anything to help.

“Hey baby,” Emma said as she appeared at Alyssa’s side, flashing a tight smile at the linebacker blonde that was standing a few feet away. She slid an arm around the brunette’s waist, feeling her relax under her touch instantly as she pulled her gently closer. Alyssa let out a long breath. “You wanna head home soon?”

“You two?” he huffed, a look a slight disbelief crossing his face. “I mean, that’s pretty hot. I can definitely get behind that.”

Emma rolled her eyes. It was taking all of her self control not to bite. “Not a chance.”

Alyssa reached for her glass, her body tensing as the stranger placed his hand over the top of her own. Emma could feel the brunette go rigid. She yanked her hand away.

“Or at least I can get behind you.”

“Go to hell,” Alyssa snapped. She didn’t want to humour him and smile anymore, the time for her to be polite and turn him down had long disappeared.

His focus stayed firmly on the brunette. “Hey, maybe if you’re lucky I could get you to switch back teams. I’m sure I could show you a better time than-”

Emma could practically feel the blood boiling beneath Alyssa’s skin. Beneath her own. Her jaw firmed, trying desperately not to let any more of her anger spill out past her gritted teeth. Alyssa beat her too it though. “Are you  _ serious _ ?” 

Emma tugged gently and her arm before she had a chance to stay anything else, turning them both away from the bar and taking a few steps back towards their table. Alyssa let out a deep breath - a feeble attempt at dissipating the tension that had firmly settled between her shoulder blades. They both heard him mutter under his breath though.

“Fucking dykes.”

Alyssa spun on her heels, shrugging off Emma’s grip. She could tell immediately by the look on his face that he’d hoped they’d hear him - the pettiness of his rejection causing him to turn provocative. Or maybe he was just a stupid douchebag with nothing better to do with his night. Alyssa didn’t care. She wasn’t about to give him any benefit of the doubt. “What the fuck did you just say?”

“‘Lys, let’s just go.”

“Say that again. I dare you,” she snapped, ignoring her girlfriend’s words. His hands rose to his chest, feigning innocence despite the smirk that was creeping into the corner of his mouth. Alyssa shook her head. “Asshole.”

Emma laced her fingers through the brunette’s as their eyes met again. “C’mon.”

Alyssa immediately took the lead, pulling her in the direction their seats first - grabbing her coat - before moving towards the door. “I need some air.”

Emma nodded, following her without a second thought. She mouthed a quick sorry to Kaylee and Shelby, though their wide eyes told her that they had witnessed all of the altercation - a million questions ready on the tip of their tongues. They would have to wait.

Alyssa didn’t waste a single moment as they stepped out of the bar and into the cold night air. She grabbed Emma by the collar of her shirt, yanking her around the corner of the building until they were alone. The brunette pushed her back until Emma’s spine was flush with the brick wall, stepping in between her legs as her hands travelled from her shoulders to her hair. As Alyssa’s lips latched onto her neck, Emma’s mind went completely blank. There wasn’t one word in the English dictionary that she could find. The words got lost in her throat - erupting out instead as a low moan as Alyssa’s tongue swept over a sensitive spot. She trailed her lips upwards, teeth nipping gently at the skin over the blonde’s jaw as she passed it, until they finally crashed together. 

“Em...?” Alyssa whispered as she pulled back, her voice the first to emerge in the alleyway. 

“Mhmm-,” Emma replied. Her brain was still lagging a few seconds behind. For all it knew they were still standing in the bar. She could barely string a coherent thought together nevermind provide her girlfriend with an answer. “Yeah?”

A pause. “Take me home.”

Emma’s breath hitched in her throat. The hungry look in the brunette’s eyes was enough to make her mouth go dry. She nodded rapidly, chasing Alyssa’s lips again as a small smile crossed her own. Emma reached desperately into her pocket, reluctant to separate from the brunette again, and fished for her phone. Shelby and Kaylee would just have to forgive them for bailing.

* * *

“Is this okay?” Alyssa whispered against Emma’s lips as her hands tugged at the bottom of the blonde’s shirt. Her hands skimmed across the bare skin of her stomach as she begged for permission to pull the fabric off, making Emma lean further into her as they made their way through the apartment. 

Emma nodded, her words rushing away from her. She wasn’t sure what had come over Alyssa, whether or not it had just been the guy at the bar that had pissed her off enough to let a fire rage behind her every moment, or something simpler, but she certainly wasn’t about to start complaining. “Yes. Always.”

Alyssa tossed the shirt to the side without hesitation, a desperate whine sounding from her throat as Emma’s hands tangled themselves into her unruly curls. She revelled in the pause that it caused the brunette to take - taking her chance to coax Alyssa’s mouth open wider with her tongue in exchange for the small gasp that it let out.

Emma reached all too eagerly for the zip at the nape of Alyssa’s neck as they stumbled through the room, pulling it down a little more every time their legs knocked against another item of furniture, until it reached its end past the small of her back. They barely separated for breath until they reached the sanctuary of their bedroom. It was a shock to them both that they’d even made it as far as there. Even on the way home it had taken more restraint than Alyssa knew she had to keep her hands to herself. But now they were alone. They were free to roam as much as they liked, and Alyssa couldn’t get enough of Emma regardless of how hard she tried. 

“Off?” she asked as her fingers slipped beneath the waistband of Emma’s jeans.

Her request was met with another firm nod. The blonde reached for the button with one hand, gently pushing Alyssa down with the other until she was sitting down on the mattress. Emma paused for a short moment, watching as her girlfriend crawled closer to the headboard before leaning back onto the sheets. Her curls spread across the bed, chest heaving. Alyssa watched with eager eyes as Emma wriggled her way out of her jeans. A smile tugged at the corners of her mouth as the blonde settled above her - one leg slipping between her thighs as her hands reached for soft skin, pushing up the dress that she still, very unfortunately Emma thought, had on. Alyssa raised her head, catching the blonde’s lips in another kiss, and pulled her down until their bodies were flush.

Emma pulled back, reaching for Alyssa’s hands and holding them firmly down by either side of the brunette’s head. She let out a moan as her lips grazed over Alyssa’s chest - the vibration against her chest making the brunette squirm underneath her, her back arching against Emma and begging for more contact. 

Alyssa groaned impatiently as Emma continued her assault on her skin, pulling down the fabric of her dress further for better access. Emma couldn’t help but let a smirk overtake her face. It was going to be a long night.

* * *

Emma smiled as her eyes flickered open, stretching her muscles across the cool sheets as she adjusted to the bright light shining through the window. She expected her hand to meet something.  _ Someone.  _ But all she was met with was the empty mattress next to her and a quiet apartment to match. She pushed herself up onto both elbows, waiting a second for sound before she moved again. 

_ Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. _

There is was. Emma sighed. She should have known straight away that Alyssa would be there. The light tapping of Alyssa’s fingers against the keyboard of her laptop was the only sound filling the space. Emma pushed herself up off the bed, grabbing a loose t-shirt to cover up her bare skin. She leaned against the frame of the door, taking in the sight of her girlfriend for a few moments before opening her mouth. Alyssa was sitting on the floor - legs tucked up to her chest and a mug of what Emma could only assume to be coffee, clasped tightly in her hands. Her eyebrows were firmly knitted together, her gaze scanning over the text on her computer screen.

“Babe,” Emma called out to her. The sound snapped her back to reality, giving the brunette a fright in the process and causing her to spill a few drops of coffee over herself. 

“Jesus.”

“Sorry,” the blonde chuckled. “Come back to bed.”

Alyssa gave her a sleepy smile, eyes drifting down to her girlfriend’s bare legs before snapping back up again. “Definitely. In a minute though. I’m almost done.”

Emma bit her lip, suppressing the complaint that was resting on the tip of her tongue as the brunette’s eyes darted back to her work. She shook her head, letting out a long breath and a mutter along the way. She half hoped that Alyssa would hear it as clear as day. “Sure you are.”

“Huh?”

“Nothing.”

“What’s up?”

Emma paused for a moment. She could pick a fight now if she wanted to. Let all of her frustrations out in one sweeping move. This was as good a time as any.

“It’s just,” she shrugged. “This is what you always do.”

Alyssa’s eyes narrowed, placing her cup down on the table in front of her. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“I don’t know...,” Emma trailed off. She regretted her decision already. She just sounded like a broken record. “This is always what happens. Deadlines roll around and you put too much pressure on yourself. You close yourself off.”

Alyssa rose to her feet. “Where is this coming from.”

Emma shrugged. Her words were coming out far quicker than she was giving them permission to. “It just feels like...I don’t know, sometimes it just feels like you care more about studying than you do about me. I know it’s stupid.”

“Is this about yesterday?” 

Emma’s mouth opened and shut quickly again, her mind drifting back to the memory of their breakfast the day before. “It’s not just about yesterday, Alyssa. I see you for fleeting moments in the morning before you’re back to work, too focused on  _ anything  _ else but me. You forget I’m even here, and then we have class, and then you spend all night at the library and I don’t get to see you then either. Then the cycle just repeats.”

“I-”

“It’s fine right now. Honestly, it is. I’m fine,” Emma continued, shaking her head and taking a small step towards Alyssa. “This is just what you do. It’s been the same since before you were even studying for the SATs. It’s just hard sometimes.”

Alyssa’s eyes squeezed together. She stepped back and sat down on the sofa, trying to understand exactly what her girlfriend was saying - trying to figure out what she wanted her to say. Were they fighting? 

“I’ll try and be better.”

Emma shrugged. “I know that you’ll try, ‘Lys.”

“Then why are you saying all of this? I don’t understand.”

“I just had to get it out I guess.”

Alyssa jumped to the wrong conclusion immediately. She couldn’t help but fall headfirst into the spiral that her thoughts were leading her into. “You just had to get it out that what...you think I’m high maintenance? That I’m out of control because I’m spending too much time at the...library? Are you waiting for me to have some kind of breakdown so that you can sweep in and fix me?”

“No, Alyssa-”

“That’s what you said though.”

“Don’t put words in my mouth.”

“Why are you picking a fight over something that hasn’t even happened yet?”

Emma stuttered over her words, the wrong ones finding their way out again. “Maybe if you cared about something other than your degree for more than five minutes-”

“Do you even care about yours?” she snapped.

“I care about you more.”

“Care about yourself,” Alyssa spat. “Stop worrying about me. I can look after myself.”

Emma’s face softened, her tone emerging more defeated than angry. “Fine.”

Alyssa jolted to her feet immediately, her breath catching in her chest as a painful lump grew in her throat. She watched Emma spin on her heels and dart back into the bedroom, the door slamming behind her so hard that it made the brunette’s entire body flinch. Five minutes ago everything had been fine. 


	4. Chapter 4

Emma only listened as Alyssa knocked, not moving an inch from her place perched on the end of their bed. She stared intently at the wooden door between them. She could just about bring herself to ignore the sound of the sharp raps echoed throughout the apartment. On any other day she wouldn’t have stormed away. They didn’t leave arguments on bad notes. The apology that she knew was waiting for her on the tip of Alyssa’s tongue though was the last thing that she wanted to hear. Emma just needed a minute. 

A minute to sift through the mess of what she had said - of what they both had said - looking for sense.

A minute to breathe. 

And then the knocking stopped abruptly. Emma’s eyes widened. Maybe there wasn’t an apology waiting for her after all. She heard a shuffle at the other side, and what sounded like Alyssa leaning against the door. Maybe a minute to cool off was what they both needed. But then ten minutes passed them by in an eerie silence, and then fifteen, and then they were past the threshold of their usual fights and Emma wasn’t sure what to do. She toyed with the edge of the duvet. She half wished that Alyssa would have stormed after her. That she would have followed her into the room and continued their conversation whether Emma liked it or not. 

Emma pulled up the covers around her, wrapping them around her shoulders, and let out a long breath.

She just wanted Alyssa.

She wasn’t going to be the first one to cave though. It wasn’t often that her stubbornness could rival Alyssa’s - which in itself was a feat of its own wonder - but it persevered despite the nagging ache that had settled in her arms as they longed for the brunette. So Emma stayed firmly put. She wriggled up to the top of the bed and burrowed herself further underneath the duvet. A nap - that would be the best thing for her. It would settle her racing thoughts and quell the residual anger that was simmering beneath the surface of her skin.

Emma let her eyelids droop shut without much resistance. Everything would be better when she woke up. At least, that’s what Emma told herself.

* * *

“Em...?”

“Mhmm?” a mumbled response escaped past her lips. 

It took a moment for her sleepy brain to catch up with what was happening. Her eyes squinted as they tried to focus on the room around her and the blurry figure that was leaning over the mattress, gently shaking her arm. 

Alyssa’s voice was quiet as she continued. She reached for Emma’s hands, tugging it towards her gently. “I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have said those things to you.”

Emma’s eyebrows furrowed, the memory of their fight trickling painful back into her mind. “Alyssa-”

“I didn’t mean any of it.”

“You did,” Emma cut back in. She pushed herself up until they were face to face, encouraging Alyssa to take a seat on the bed in front of her. Her stomach twisted at the sight of the brunette as her apologetic expression morphed into a mix of confusion and panic at the simplicity of Emma’s response. Emma hadn’t meant for it to come out as harshly as it had. Alyssa tried to loosen her grip, but Emma held on tightly. “I just mean, we wouldn’t have said all of that if we didn’t mean it at least a little bit. I overreacted. So I’m sorry for that too. But I won’t apologise for caring.”

Alyssa let out a breath, nodding slightly. “Okay.”

“Something’s going on with you, ‘Lys,” Emma started again. “I don’t know what it is and I know you don’t want to talk about it but...help me out a little here.”

Alyssa’s eyes flickered away from Emma, finding purchase on the duvet next to them. Emma brushed her thumb over the back of the brunette’s hand, trying to ease some of her tension, but it didn’t do much. 

“I’m sorry.”

Emma shook her head instantly. “You don’t have to apologise for that. I’m just worried about you.”

Alyssa cleared her throat, her gaze creeping back up slowly again. “I’ve been distant lately. It was selfish of me not to realise that it has an effect on you too.” She edged closer to the blonde. “I know that I can be kind of all or nothing when it comes to school.”

“Just a little,” Emma nodded. “I’m sorry for what I said too. It wasn’t fair.”

“You were right though,” she shrugged. “I didn’t mean to make you feel like I don’t care.”

“I know.”

“I’ll try harder,” Alyssa replied earnestly. “I’ll be better.”

Emma’s expression softened immeasurably. She reached over to take Alyssa’s other hand, holding them both carefully as she searched for the brunette’s gaze. “You don’t have to be better, Alyssa. You just have to be you. I miss  _ you. _ ”

Alyssa’s voice was quiet again. “I miss you too.”

“I only said all of that because I haven’t been seeing much of you recently and I was feeling sorry for myself I guess,” Emma sighed. “And then we had last night and it felt like things were going back to how they were before, and then...I don’t know.”

“I don’t want this to be how things are if they make you feel this way,” Alyssa said sincerely. She opened her mouth to continue but was interrupted by a loud grumble sounding from Emma’s stomach. It made them both laugh for the first time that morning - cutting through the lingering tension in the room with one sharp swipe. Alyssa blew out a long breath, her smile still stuck to her face. “C’mon, I made some lunch. We can talk some more about it later.”

Emma’s lips curled into a smile too, a small wave of relief trickling through her. She pulled the covers off of herself and let her be led out of the room by the brunette. She knew that they would have to finish their conversation at some point, but for now at least, things seemed okay. “Okay. Later, though.”

Alyssa nodded. She walked a few steps ahead, though didn’t let go of the blonde’s hand. Her computer and mug of coffee were still in the same spot as they had been earlier, Emma noted. The clothes that had been hastily discarded last night on their way to the bedroom had been tidied away though. A familiar smell wafted Emma’s way as they reached the table, making her mouth water and another growl sound from her belly. 

“It’s nothing special,” Alyssa said eventually, leaving her girlfriend at the table and disappearing into the kitchen - reappearing a few moments later with a plate in each hand.

Emma’s eyes widened in surprise, her lips falling into a familiar lopsided grin. “You made pancakes?”

“I figured it might soften you up a little if the apology didn’t go so well,” she joked sheepishly.

Her smile grew wider as she watched Emma, the blonde’s attention already set on dribbling syrup all over the small stack in front of her. Alyssa half wished that she could do the same. Too much sugar though. Refined carbs. She was already aching to burn off some of the calories from their double date last night, the dinner and drinks weighing heavy on her mind - though the exercise that they’d done after getting home certainly hadn’t hurt. She’d have to be content with scrambled eggs for now. 

“Remind me to thank your mom for teaching you how to cook,” Emma said through a mouthful of pancakes. 

Alyssa paused, her own fork halfway to her mouth. To thank her mom she would have to at least be on speaking terms with her, and that felt a million miles away from where they were now. Emma hadn’t noticed the small lapse in her composure thankfully.

“I, um,” Alyssa started, not quite sure where the sentence would take her. Better to be honest, she thought. “I haven’t spoken to her since the last time that she called actually.”

Her words sat heavy in the air for a moment. 

Emma swallowed quickly, looking back up again to meet the brunette’s eyes - hoping she could at least convey some sort of understanding where her words would no doubt fail her. It wasn’t like Alyssa. She usually couldn’t get through the day without a phone call or two from the older woman. “Really? Has she...?”

Alyssa shrugged, pushing her food around. “She’s texted me a few times but I haven’t replied. She wants to talk about it some more but I just don’t know what to say to her.”

“Maybe you should hear her out?”

“Maybe,” she nodded. “The last call just keeps playing over and over in my head like a broken record. It’s just...I don’t know, it’s a lot to get my head around.”

Emma hummed in understanding. “I’m not going to push but you know you can tell me anything.”

“I know that I don’t give her enough credit for everything that she’s done,” Alyssa continued. “She tried so hard to accept me and learn, and I forget how much it took for her to get where she is now.”

“She did,” Emma agreed.

Alyssa sighed. She didn’t want Emma to be diplomatic and supportive. She wanted the blonde to latch onto the same lingering anger that she still felt. She wanted Emma to tell her why she felt the way that she did no matter how hard she tried to be okay with it all.

“I know I’m overreacting. It’s just hard to stomach that she would choose them over me when all that they’ve ever done is spout hatred to the  _ both  _ of us.” She ran a hand throw her hair, slouching down further in her seat. “They were terrible to her when my father left and they were even worse when I came out and...I just don’t understand.”

Emma gave her a soft smile. “You’re not overreacting, ‘Lys.”

“I should be happy that she’s happy,” Alyssa murmured, trying to convince herself. She took a deep breath and looked back up to Emma again. “Tell me what I’m supposed to do here, please.”

“I wish I could.”

“I know,” Alyssa grumbled. 

“You know that I’m always,  _ always  _ on your side though,” Emma said, her tone turning serious. “That’s never going to change.”

Alyssa nodded. She couldn’t keep going round in these circles, it was driving her insane. She gestured to Emma’s plate. “Are you finished?”

“Yeah,” Emma said, watching as the brunette pushed her chair back and reached across for it. She opened her mouth to speak again but Alyssa’s back was already turned by the time the words made it to the tip of her tongue. They slipped out in a whisper regardless. “Thank you.”

Emma followed swiftly behind her. She wanted to give her girlfriend whatever space that she needed but she wasn’t content with the way that their conversation had ended. She watched as Alyssa filled the sink up with soapy water - her mind set on clearing up the small mess that she’d made making their food. She plunged her hands into the steaming water. caramel skin coming up tinged red as she scrubbed the dishes, placing them onto the drying rack to her left afterwards. Emma reached for a towel without a second thought.

“You don’t have to...” Alyssa sighed, her words teetering off into nothing.

Emma shrugged, giving the other woman a small smile as she wiped away some lingering suds from a now clean mixing bowl. “Many hands make light work.”

“You sound like your grandmother.”

Emma chuckled. “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

Alyssa’s lips curled upwards. “It’s definitely not.”

She passed the next plate straight to Emma.

“I was thinking,” Emma started. She had been thinking about it for a while actually - ever since the day that Alyssa’s mom had called her. “Maybe you could come home with me for Thanksgiving. You could stay with me instead of going home-”

“Oh.” Alyssa hadn’t been expecting that. 

“I already checked with my Gran just in case you said yes. Sometimes I think she likes you more than me so it wasn’t really a hard decision for her,” Emma smirked, though it died quickly on her lips as she turned to meet Alyssa’s gaze. The brunette’s expression wasn’t the one that she had been hoping for. “I’m sorry. It was a stupid idea-”

“No,” Alyssa cut her off sharply. “I-...can I think about it for a little bit?”

“Yeah,” Emma nodded quickly. “Of course.”

It wasn’t that Alyssa didn’t want to spend Thanksgiving with the blonde - they had done it a few times before. It would just be different. She wouldn’t be packing to come back home to her mom. She wouldn’t be spending the holidays with her mom. It would all be different. It made her feel sick. 

“I want to,” Alyssa implored. “It’s just-”

“You don’t have to decide right now,” Emma assured her. “It’s okay.”

Alyssa reached for the towel that was in the blonde’s hands, drying off her own. They stood in silence for a few moments before Alyssa opened her mouth again. “My head is a mess right now, Em, and I don’t know how to fix it.”

“‘Lyssa-”

“You were right before,” she continued. “This always happens and you always have to deal with it. I’ve been shitty to you.

“You’ve not been shitty.”

“I had,” Alyssa nodded firmly. “And I’m really sorry.”

“I just want you to take care of yourself, or let me take care of you at least,” Emma imported. “You stay up all night working and can barely keep your head up at breakfast, and then you barely eat all day because you’re too busy working. I know you always come out alright on the other side but with everything happening recently...I just don’t want this to be the time that you work yourself into something worse.” Emma stopped herself, realising how quickly her words had started to spill out without permission. 

Alyssa took a few stuttering breaths, feeling a lump grow in her throat. Emma took a step closer, wrapping her arms tightly around the brunette’s waist and pulled her closer just as her tears began to spill over. Alyssa gripped onto the blonde’s t-shirt tightly, letting the wave of emotions that she had been pushing down for so long finally wash over her. Emma only held her tighter.

“It’s okay,” Emma mumbled through a mouthful of curls. She waited until the brunette relaxed into her embrace and her sniffles died down before she said anything again. She pulled back slightly, bringing her hands up to Alyssa’s cheeks to wipe away the few stray tears that had escaped. “It’s okay.” She brushed away the hair that had fallen across the other woman’s face. “Are you tired?”

Alyssa shook her head, the tip of her nose brushing against Emma’s. “No.”

“Are you sure?” Emma pressed. “You must have barely slept last night.”

Alyssa let out a long breath, stepping away from the blonde. She rubbed at her eyes, all traces of her moment of vulnerability slipping away with each passing second. “I’m not that kind of tired, Em.”

Emma paused. She wasn’t sure how she was supposed to respond to that. She knew what she felt but that was never what came out when she tried to say it out loud. She just pulled Alyssa closer again, holding her tightly as though it were the last time she would ever get the chance. Even if that was all that she could do for now, maybe it would be enough.


End file.
